The Gaze We Carry: Beauty, Shame, and the Mirror of Culture
We laughed a lot,” she said. “And I took my time dressing. It’s something else altogether dressing for yourself and then you step out with your girlfriends.
She sat confidently on the couch, recounting her dinner with a smile. Her words glowed with joy — not just from laughter or friendship, but from feeling seen by herself.
As a therapist, I often sit with women navigating the quiet ache beneath the surface — shame about their bodies, their skin, the way they look in a mirror. They tell me about not fitting in, not being "beautiful enough," not being allowed to feel confident.
And I think about what media now calls the male gaze.
What is the Male Gaze?
The male gaze is a term used to describe the lens of a heterosexual man, often projected through media, advertising, and culture. It reduces women to bodies, appearances, or desirable “types,” flattening the rich complexity of who they are.
It tells women:
Don’t wear red lipstick in a traditional setting.
Cover up. But be sexy — when it suits the environment.
You’re too much. You’re not enough.
You’re for looking at, not listening to.
And when that message is repeated — in films, in family expectations, in beer and car commercials — it sinks in. We start to gaze at ourselves the way they do.
The Internalized Gaze
This gaze doesn’t just come from outside. It becomes internal:
The voice that says, “My thighs shouldn’t touch.”
The hesitation to wear something bold because what if they say I’m trying too hard?
The shame women of color often carry for not fitting eurocentric beauty ideals — skin tone, nose shape, hips, hair texture, voice.
Therapy as a Mirror That Doesn't Judge
In therapy, I hold space for these untold stories — the ones that say:
“I miss loving my body.”
“I don’t know how to dress for myself anymore.”
“I don’t know where I end and the world’s expectations begin.”
And yet, in moments like hers — choosing a dress, walking out the door with joy, laughing freely in her own skin — I witness reclamation.
It’s not about dressing up for the male gaze. It’s about dressing back into oneself.
A Thought to Leave You With
What would it mean to see yourself — not through the eyes of others — but with your own?
What if we unlearned the gaze that weighs us down?
Inspired by this Instagram Reel
This post was inspired by a recent Instagram reel reflecting on the male gaze and memory.
Watch it here
If this resonates…
I explore more about self-image, relational wounds, and reclamation in my therapeutic work.
You’re welcome to bring this into the room.
Get in touch if you’re looking for a space to begin.