“What Did I Do Wrong?” — The Quiet Hurt of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing
In therapy, I often hear this from young adults and adults navigating relationships:
“We were talking every day… and then they vanished.”
Whether it’s dating or friendship, ghosting and breadcrumbing leave emotional bruises. And they’re more common than ever in the digital age
Quick Definitions:
Ghosting: When someone suddenly cuts off all contact without explanation.
Breadcrumbing: When someone gives just enough attention to keep you hooked—without real commitment.
A Real-Life Story (Names changed)
Maya and Riya met through a friendship app. Frequent chats turned into great connection… until Riya stopped replying. No conflict. Just silence. In therapy, Maya asked: “Did I overshare? Was I too much?”
The truth? Perhaps Riya was overwhelmed and didn’t know how to say, “I need space.” So she disappeared.
Why Do People Ghost or Breadcrumb?
People often assume ghosting or breadcrumbing means someone didn’t care. But in many cases, these behaviors come from a nervous system that’s overwhelmed—not uncaring.
Here’s what I see in therapy:
They’re avoiding conflict or discomfort. Saying “I’m not interested” or “I can’t stay connected right now” can feel so distressing to some nervous systems that they go into freeze mode—shutting down instead of responding.
They’re emotionally unavailable or flooded. The closeness may have felt good at first, but once vulnerability deepened, it triggered an avoidant response—a strong impulse to withdraw and self-protect.
They crave connection but also fear intimacy. It’s a confusing place to be in—and so they stay half-in, half-out. That’s the hallmark of breadcrumbing.
They don’t always understand the impact of their silence. Especially in the digital world, it’s easy to forget there’s a real person on the other side, hoping for clarity.
If You’ve Been Ghosted:
It’s not because you’re unworthy. It’s often because they lacked the tools or courage to be honest.
If You’ve Ghosted Someone:
It doesn’t make you a bad person. But it’s worth exploring why closeness feels scary—and what honesty could look like next time.
You deserve connection, not confusion.
Let’s work through the patterns—on either side of the silence.In therapy, we make space for both sides—without shame. We untangle the patterns that keep you stuck, whether you're always the one disappearing… or always the one left wondering.
You deserve clarity. You deserve connection.
Looking for a deeper dive into the attachment styles behind ghosting? I recommend Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships (affiliate link)—a helpful read for understanding the push-pull of modern relationships.
Ready to start healing the invisible wounds of digital disconnection? Connect with me!
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