Why Do I Emotionally Shut Down During Fights With My Partner?
A Compassionate Look at the Freeze Response in Relationships
Arguments with a partner can bring up big feelings—frustration, fear, sadness, even longing. But for some, these intense moments don’t lead to yelling or tears. Instead, they lead to silence. A blank stare. A sense of disappearing. If you've ever found yourself shutting down in the middle of a disagreement, you're not alone.
This reaction isn't weakness, nor is it a character flaw. It's a protective strategy—one your nervous system learned a long time ago to keep you safe.
What It Feels Like to Shut Down
Shutting down in an argument might look like:
Going quiet and feeling like you have nothing to say
Feeling frozen or numb, like you're not even in the room
Struggling to form thoughts or find words
Suddenly becoming very tired or disconnected
While your partner might interpret this as avoidance, indifference, or even punishment, your internal experience might feel more like drowning under a wave of emotion or going completely blank. In therapy I often hear this as “ It's just too much for me” , “ I didn’t know I had options”, “ I don’t know what to say”. Or I also sometimes hear, “ I was quiet”, “ It was too much, I went for a walk”.
Client Vignette (Shared with permission, name changed)
Take Nina, a client in her early 30s, who came to therapy because she felt increasingly distant in her relationship. “It’s like I disappear when we fight,” she told me. “He gets louder, and I just... shut down. Then I feel ashamed, and the distance between us grows.”
As we explored her experience more deeply, Nina realized that growing up, expressing emotion was often met with criticism or withdrawal from her caregivers. Shutting down had once been a way to avoid losing connection. But in her adult life, it was keeping her from the closeness she deeply desired.
The Science Behind It: The “Freeze” Response
Most of us are familiar with “fight or flight”—our body's response to threat. But there's a third response: freeze. When fighting or fleeing doesn’t feel possible or safe, your nervous system may opt for shut down.
This isn’t a conscious decision. It’s reflexive. Your body might lower your heart rate, numb sensation, or create mental fog to shield you from emotional overload. It’s not that you won’t speak—it’s that your system believes it’s unsafe to speak.
Attachment History Matters
If you grew up in an environment where conflict meant rejection, chaos, or emotional neglect, your nervous system likely internalized the message that it's not safe to express your needs. Your shutdown may have once been a brilliant survival skill. In therapy, we work to honor this part of you while gently inviting new, more nourishing ways of relating.
A Somatic Practice: Orienting and Grounding
If you notice yourself shutting down, try this simple somatic exercise:
Orient: Gently turn your head left and right, allowing your eyes to move slowly and land on objects around you. This reminds your nervous system that you are safe in this moment.
Ground: Press your feet firmly into the floor or your seat into the chair. Notice the support beneath you
Breathe: Take one slow breath. Let the exhale be longer than the inhale. Even one breath can signal safety to the body.
This isn’t about “fixing” anything—it’s about inviting your body back into connection.
Clinical Insight: From a Therapist’s Lens
As a therapist who specializes in attachment wounds and trauma-informed care, I often see shutdown as a form of fawning or freezing. From a polyvagal perspective, this dorsal vagal response is your body’s way of conserving energy when it perceives relational danger.
Therapeutic approaches like IFS (Internal Family Systems) and Somatic Experiencing allow us to explore the parts of you that go quiet, and understand what they’re protecting. These modalities offer gentle ways to build tolerance for emotional discomfort, reconnect with your body, and eventually speak from a grounded, connected place.
You're Not Broken—You're Protecting Yourself
If you shut down during conflict, you are not “too sensitive,” “dramatic,” or “emotionally unavailable.” You are someone whose nervous system is doing what it learned to do: protect you.
The good news is that healing is possible. With curiosity, compassion, and support, you can build the capacity to stay present with your partner—even when it’s hard.
You don’t need to force yourself to "be better." You need space to understand the wisdom of your body and gently reconnect with your voice, your needs, and your sense of safety.
Curious about your own conflict patterns? Let's talk. I offer trauma-informed, attachment-focused therapy for individuals and couples. Book a free consult