When You Talk Too Much Because You’re Afraid of Losing Someone
The Body Beneath the Words
Sometimes, we talk not to be understood — but to survive the silence.
You start explaining, clarifying, defending because the quiet feels unbearable.
Your body races to fill it with words, as if understanding could stop the ache of disconnection.But the more you talk, the less seen you feel.
The Body Beneath the Words
Conflict activates the body before it ever reaches the mind. Heart pounding. Chest tight. Thoughts spinning.
Your nervous system scrambles for safety:
If I can just explain, they’ll understand. If they understand, we’ll be okay.
Your words become armor, protecting you from the fear that connection is slipping away.
And sometimes, you can hear yourself talking, aware you’re spiraling — but you can’t stop.Because silence doesn’t feel peaceful. It feels like punishment.
Why We Do It
Over-explaining is often a sign of an anxious attachment wound, a pattern born from early moments when understanding felt like the only way to stay close.
It’s the body quietly saying:
“Please understand me so I know I’m safe.”
But the truth is, no amount of explaining can make someone hear you if they’re protecting themselves from the same fear.
Sometimes two nervous systems are just trying to survive each other.
And if your instinct is the opposite - to pull back, to disappear into quiet, you’re not escaping the pain.
You’re protecting the same wound.
You can read more about that in Why We Shut Down During Arguments.
When Over-Explaining Is a Sign of an Attachment Wound
Over-explaining is anxious attachment in motion — the body trying to earn safety.
Shutting down is avoidant attachment — the body trying to preserve safety. Different strategies. Same wound.
I wrote recently about how attachment wounds often show up in the body long before the mind names them — they whisper through habits like over-talking, withdrawing, or bracing for rejection.
(That post lives here on Instagram if you’d like to read it.)
Real-Life Example: The Anxious and Avoidant Dance
Before Awareness
Anxious: “Why won’t you just talk to me? You JUST don’t care.”
Avoidant: “I can’t do this right now, do you HAVE to do this now? ”
Anxious: “Yes, go ahead walk away, you ALWAYS walk away !”
Avoidant: * walks away
Both are scared — just in opposite directions.
One chases connection; the other protects space.
Neither feels safe enough to regulate.
After Awareness
Anxious: “I feel myself getting anxious and wanting to talk it out, but I know that can feel like pressure for you.”
Avoidant: “I appreciate that. I just need a few minutes — not to shut you out, but to calm down.”
Anxious: “Okay. I’ll try to breathe while you take space.”
Now, both are naming the fear instead of acting from it.
Awareness doesn’t erase the wound — it just changes who’s in control: the body or the person inside it.
How to Step Out of the Loop
Pause your words, feel your body.
Before you say more, let your shoulders drop. Feel the floor holding you.
Let silence do what your words couldn’t.Name the need, not the narrative.
Instead of “You’re not listening,” try “I’m scared I’m not being understood.”
The moment you name the fear, connection becomes possible again.Redefine silence.
Silence doesn’t always mean rejection — sometimes, it’s your nervous system trying to find its way home.
From Urgency to Understanding
Over-explaining is care wrapped in fear - a body trying to earn the right to belong.
Awareness doesn’t mean the urge disappears.
It just means you can catch it, breathe through it, and remember that connection built on calm lasts longer than connection built on panic.
Because what your nervous system really wants isn’t to be understood -it’s to be safe enough not to explain at all.
And safety doesn’t begin when someone finally understands you.
It begins when you stop needing to prove you deserve to be understood.
The hardest part of healing isn’t staying calm - it’s realizing calm doesn’t guarantee connection.